I can't sleep. All I can think of is the sorrow in my heart and where its coming from. Me and my boyfriend have been having slight arguments lately. I admit, its been mostly my fault,but I am so angry and tired and frusterated. It seems that every little thing I do for him, its never noticed or apreciated. He takes it as "typical melissa" and I'm starting to questions my actions and wonder. I wonder if I'm just running around trying to please him but killing myself in the process. A few months ago I had scar surgery to fix up some ugly scars from a previous surgery I had. Its true that I wanted to fix them up, but I wanted him to see me as someone beautiful. I didn't want those scars to stand out from the rest of me.

One time he said "I think, you're th eonly one for me" and then just recently he told me that he thinks there is more than 1 "right person" for each of us. Maybe its nothing too big but does that mean what he said before is complete bull? He contradicts what he says so much, I have no idea what I mean to him, or if I even matter. I ask him to tell me, but he says he needs to think about it, write it out in his head and edit it. Is he afraid of something? Is he afraid that it won't be good enough? That I'll think he's not good enough? Is he afraid of failure?

Its not some stupid english assignment where you have to write it, edit it and polish it up once again. NO! Its NOTHING like that! Doesn't he know how much I love him? Doesn't he know he's the world to me? I've never loved a man so much in my life. I want to be there for him, I want to care for him, encourage him and watch him grow stronger and wiser with the passing years. Why would he be afraid to fail? In front of me? WHY? I don't care about that! No matter what, he's always number one to me.... Have I not shown him that? or does he not apreciate anything I do for him anymore?

It seems that no matter what I do, its not enough. He wants to change me. He's a top notch hockey player. One of the Elite players under 18 in the city. It seems he wants me to be as well. He wants me to have a good strong core, with abb definition. Before the surgery, I purchased this workout program that I have heard numerous things about, positive things. I worked quite hard, but once the surgery came, I couldn't do much for awhile. I thought that maybe he would be satisfied with the results of the surgery, but it doesn't apear to be so. He wants to change my looks, how I act, where I've been, my conditioning, my IQ and a whole lot of other things I won't get into detail. I don't know as much about computer software as you do ok, that doesn't mean I'm not smart enough! what's wrong with you?

Maybe I no longer meet his standards... maybe all that crap he's been saying, that I'm the perfect girl and there is no othe rlike you, is all an act. He doesn't want me to leave, but he can\t say what he truly thinks because he's afraid. so then what is it HM? Am I just another girl, or do you think there is something here? Are you going to take it or leave it? DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME? Am I just some Ego boost for you?

WHAT AM I TO YOU? huh? What am I?

Don't just sit there and love me, how about respect me as a person and a human being?!?!?? I have a heart, a soul and mind that CAN think no matter what your's thinks about mine. So what am I to you? Huh? What's the story? Do I mean ANYTHING to you? No, no don't just sit there and say "Yes yes your my world" I no longer buy that. THINK about it. Don't just get high off of lust and love. Do you care about me? Like I do you? HM?

I care so much about you... that I want to help you. You seem to feel down at times. Why is that? what's getting you down? Why won't you tell me? what do you mean I won't understand? IF YOU WOULD JUST TELL ME I MIGHT UNDERSTAND! NO! don't say its nothing! I know its somehting! Your tone of voice, the way you talk how you sit! Its not you! something is eating away at you! Just please tell me!.......

All I want to do.... Is help you....

Help you through the roughest battels. Those that take place in the mind

I want to do....whatever I can...even if its small.... If it will help, I want to HELP


And now, you've left me here. In so much pain, because I want to help, but I can;t because I don't know what's wrong, and because I don't know I can;t help and I see you there, I hear your voice. I can FEEL how sad and torn up you are, but....I can't do anything...about it... because you can't tell me.

WHY? Why can't you tell me? Are you afraid that you will look weak? That showing me your problems is a sign of weakness? NO! NO ITS NOT! It shows how close we are, that we can tell each other things that we can't to other people, because they don't understand....

What do I mean to you? Am I just like everyone else that you lock outside of your heart? I MEAN AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE DOES? I'm not "Your girl" After all? IS THA WHAT I MEAN TO YOU?

....I can't do this. It takes so much out of me. It brings up so much pain.

Why....? Why don't you see..... just how much I love you?.....

Because I do. I love you with all of my heart..... You are my prince. You are the one.

You are my love, my joy, my happiness, my solitude, my shelter.

You are my world... make me a part of yours.

Because... thats what I want to be. I want to be ... your world. Your princess, your everything...

But why..... won't you let me?...... why does it hurt so much...?